Don't Mess with Texas hash

Average firefighter salary in Texas: $42000

Muchas thanks to our Texas delegate Texas Horn Star, Texas BJ Assacre, Octopussy and Stain Pants for an outstanding hash in Provi this weekend, and for showing us that the only thing bigger than Texas is Texas pride. Every other song was Texas-related, and half of our harey-hosts have Texas in their names. Y'all are... compensating for something. Probably penis size, possibly poor state governance. We appreciate your enthusiasm.

Possibly due to Chile's epic ball-dropping on Friday night (3-0 against Colombia in the first half to a tie 84 minutes in - chuta, Chile, manten!), everyone was absurdly on time, and the hash began with order, aplomb, and dignity. After several rounds of Texas trivia (Q: "What is the state dish?" A: "Chili."), the kennel was educated in flour aesthetics,

Texas Horn Star lists the top five Texas cities by equine population

and we then left to amble on yonder to Northern Provi.

The Texas capitol dome is taller than its national counterpart by nearly 15 feet, and is the largest state capitol in the United States.

Not to be a fussy Frances, but check out the number of return hashers not adorned in hasher raiment nor costumes. I'm looking at you, Texas Horn Star, Sabrina-NoName, Marissa-NoName, Megan-NoName, Veni V.D. Vici, and Pussy Wagon. Y'all, HALLOWEEN is next hash. Take it up a notch.

The trail was basically amazing. Sincerely. The creativity of Texans goes a long way to compensate for their otherwise obnoxious behaviors, drinking ability, and blog posting prowess.

On this walkin'-in-tall-cotton trail, there were interactive tasks like two-stepping across the chocolate milk river of Mapucho,

The world's first rodeo was in Pecos, Texas on July 4, 1883.

boot scooting within spitting distance of  the Sculpture Gardens,

In the 1860s, longhorn cattle outnumbered Texan residents by a ratio of 9 to 1.

sacrificial cowboying,

Q: Texas farmes and ranches cover what percentage of the state's total land area? A: nearly 80 percent of Texas (132 million acres) is covered in farms and ranches. Nearly all of that was on fire in 2011.

heckling other states for not being nearly so badass,

From January 2000 to April 2013, nonfarm payroll grew an anemic 2.6 percent in California compared to Texas’ 19.7 percent. U.S. job growth over that time was 3.6 percent.

and counting the Howdys chalked across north Provi as the Texan hares psyched us out about climbing up Cerro San Cristobal.

Along with Austin, Houston's cocktail culture is nationally recognized as being on the forefront of creative tippling.

Well done, TexasHS and TexasBJA!

Q: What famous phase resulted from the Battle of San Jacinto and is still used in political discussions today? A: "Come and take it."

While the front running bastards and thirsty runners waited for the walkers to return, the hashers enjoyed the pool at Octo's and Stain Pants's building, asked to borrow inappropriate things like razors, and debated whether the Prada installation in Marfa, Texas should be considered art or advertisement.

The State fruit of Texas is the ruby red grapefruit.

Tragically, there were no shots taken of how foxxy Sabrina-NoName and Veni V.D. Vici really are almost nude.

We then circled up, almost a quarter of the group barefoot, and substitutes Grand Master Moon Job and Religious Advisor Sir Acting Semen did an admirable job educating and punishing the group. The trail was decided to have been a negative 857, easily the most excellent trail of 2013, and we sang Deep in the Heart of Texas in lusty thanks:

The stars at night, Are big and bright, Deep in the heart of Texas, The prairie sky Is wide and high, Deep in the heart of Texas. The sage in bloom Is like perfume, Deep in the heart of Texas, Reminds me of, The one I love, Deep in the heart of Texas.

The coyotes wail, Along the trail, Deep in the heart of Texas, The rabbits rush, Around the brush, Deep in the heart of Texas. The cowboys cry, "Ki-yip-pee-yi," Deep in the heart of Texas, The dogies bawl, And bawl and bawl, Deep in the heart of Texas.

We then punished every single walker for failing to two-step across the river in full view of the sweaty runners. Virgin Suzanne and Oliver-NoName, two University of Texas at Austin graduates, participated, and even remembered to do that hand gesture signifying your-Italian-wife-is-cuckolding-you that I always seem to forget, with The Eyes of Texas:

The eyes of Texas are upon you
All the live long days
The eyes of Texas are upon you
And you cannot get away

Do not think you can escape them
From night till early in the morn
The eyes of Texas are upon you
Till Gabriel blows his horn

In January 2005, President Bush's "Hook 'em, 'horns" salute (pictured above) during a parade got lost in translation in Norway, where shocked people interpreted his hand gesture as a salute to Satan.

but Texas Horn Star went to a rival University with a much longer school song and cut the song short. In case you missed it the first time, here it is again:

The eyes of Texas are upon you
All the live long days
The eyes of Texas are upon you
And you cannot get away

Do not think you can escape them
From night till early in the morn
The eyes of Texas are upon you
Till Gabriel blows his horn

 We entertained sins from the run, where one of the hares was pulled in. Fortunately for them, the State motto is Friendship: meaning when one Texan drinks, they all drink.

The "Six Flags of Texas" that have inspired the amusement park include Mexico, Spain, France, Republic of Texas, Confederacy, and the United States of America.

The next Texan-themed down-down was known to only one other hasher, Virgin-Sarah, so here it is in its entirely for y'all's general edification:

You say you're not from Texas
Man as if I couldn't tell
You think you pull your boots on right
And wear your hat so well

So pardon me my laughter
'Cause I sure do understand
Even Moses got excited
When he saw the promised land

That's right you're not from Texas
That's right you're not from Texas
That's right you're not from Texas
But Texas wants you anyway

See I was born and raised in Texas
And it means so much to me
Though my girl comes from down in Georgia
We were up in Tennessee

And as we were driving down the highway
She asked me baby what's so great
How come you're always going on
About your Lone Star State

I said that's right you're not from Texas
That's right you're not from Texas
That's right you're not from Texas
But Texas wants you anyway

Oh the road it looked so lovely
As she stood there on the side
And she grew smaller in my mirror
As I watched her wave goodbye

Those boys from Carolina
They sure enough could sing
But when they came on down to Texas
We all showed them how to swing

Now David's on the radio
And old Champ's still on the guitar
And Uncle Walt he's home with Heidi
Hiding in her loving arms

That's right you're not from Texas
That's right you're not from Texas
That's right you're not from Texas
But Texas wants you anyway

They're OK in Oklahoma
Up in Arkansas they're fair
But those old folks in Missouri
They don't even know you're there

But at a dance hall down in Texas
That's the finest place to be
The women they all look beautiful
And their men will buy your beer for free

And they'll say that's right you're not from Texas
That's right you're not from Texas
That's right you're not from Texas
But Texas wants you anyway

So won't you let me help you Mister
Just pull your hat down the way I do
And buy your pants just a little longer
And next time somebody laughs at you

You just tell 'em you're not from Texas
That's right you're not from Texas
That's right you're not from Texas
But Texas wants you anyway

Before the circle ended, Sir Acting Semen welcomed two newly minted hashers into our kennel. Names suggestions centered on geographic salience and leaving Sir Lady Bug's house at 6am the previous morning.

The first word spoken from the moon was "Houston."

 Welcome y'all, Scary Poppins Thunder Down Under and Strip, Minor! Texans NoName-Terez and NoName Oliver have feelings about what has happened here. 

Of course, it wouldn't be a proper hash if something hadn't gone terribly wrong, like the fire alarms in the 15 story building sounding and bringing out the sexy, sexy, sexy bomberos, which was terribly allllright.

In 2011, ten percent of all of the trees in Texas died due to drought. This does not include the 31,000 fires that ravaged the state that year, burning down 4,000,000 acres of land.

Octopussy attempted to distribute the last of the hash beers to the firemen, and then invited the last ten or so hashers upstairs where Oliver-NoName and Marissa-NoName left footprints on the wall in hugely ineffective attempts at yoga, and the last of their non-bourbon alcohol supply was depleted, much like all of the water from Texas herself.

In Texas, it is considered fucking impolite to leave footprints on the walls of your host's home.

Around 10pm fifteen or so hashers recovened at Flannery's to watch Stroke My Bono excel at Bon Jovi's "Dead or Alive" and to look longingly forward to the next time Team Texas unites. 

For the Aggies:

Some may boast of prowess bold
Of the school they think so grand
But there's a spirit can ne'er be told
It's the Spirit of Aggieland.
(Chorus)
We are the Aggies - the Aggies are we
True to each other as Aggies can be
We've got to FIGHT boys
We've got to fight!
We've got to fight for Maroon and White
After they've boosted all the rest
They will come and join the best
For we are the Aggies - the Aggies are we
We're from Texas A.M.C.
(A yell sequence follows; traditionally deleted at Muster)
T-E-X-A-S A-G-G-I-E
Fight! Fight! Fight-fight-fight!
Fight! Maroon! White-White-White!
A-G-G-I-E
Texas! Texas! A-M-C!
Gig 'em, Aggies, 1-2-3
Farmers fight! Farmers fight!
Fight! Fight!
Farmers, farmers fight!
A! Whoop!

For everyone (you're welcome):

Texas, Our Texas! all hail the mighty State!

Texas, Our Texas! so wonderful so great!

Boldest and grandest, withstanding ev'ry test

O Empire wide and glorious, you stand supremely blest.

(chorus)

Texas, O Texas! your freeborn single star,

Sends out its radiance to nations near and far,

Emblem of Freedom! it set our hearts aglow,

With thoughts of San Jacinto and glorious Alamo.

(chorus)

Texas, dear Texas! from tyrant grip now free,

Shines forth in splendor, your star of destiny!

Mother of heroes, we come your children true,

Proclaiming our allegiance, our faith, our love for you.

Chorus:

God bless you Texas! And keep you brave and strong,

That you may grow in power and worth, throughout the ages long.

God bless you Texas! And keep you brave and strong,

That you may grow in power and worth, throughout the ages long.