Monday, 13 January 2014

Hash #139: Ho Ho Ho Christmas Hash

Happy holidays, hashers! Our late December hash in the festive barrio of El Quisco Norte hath passed and we are a little nicer and naughtier for having experienced it.
Prune's brother Virgin Christian monitors his phone, and his sexuality
Hashers arrived in El Quisco via caravan, party bus, three-wise-men-style camels, and on foot. Rumor has it some people even live out there, flush against the cerulean blue Pacific Ocean, and actually commute the 100+ kilometers to Santiago every other weekend. True story. But probably a lie.

We warmed up to Father Abraham, commencing the hash for-possibly-the-first-time-ever EARLY, with Sir Turtlehead, Octopussy, Stain Pants and Virgin Lisa rolling into the serenade of the last stanza. Without sufficiently warming up, they all cramped only minutes into the run, and then they perished from the earth.

Other hashers survived the run by not dying of death. They celebrated life by performing feats of strength, and magical mind-blowing. Below is a demonstration of a camera, or something, suspended before K Y Not? and behold it is WITHOUT STRINGS and WITHOUT MIRRORS.  



But anyway, the run was LOVELY.
After the glorious beer check, we returned to the All-Dogs-Go-To-Heaven ranch and attempted to make the most perfect and Platonic shape our human brains can comprehend, the circle.
Prune and Stroke My Bono prepare their dancing legs.
Visiting-cum-returned hasher Sewage introduced us to multiple implements of phallic shame like how they do in Papua New Guinea.
The vacuous penis and testicle vessel giveth to you, but in a BAD TOUCH way. 

Sir Acting Semen selflessly takes unto himself the first SHHH imbibing of a bed pan coveted and then stolen from a venereal disease clinic in Manila.
So many questions about the successful marketing of the eye mask with bonus phallus, so little time.


The circle was unruly and the many were squirteth upon by Octopussy in her failed attempts to keep order.
This is possibly the best picture taken of her ever. And, y'all, No Country for Old Men looks so groovy in this picture. It's like war and peace have become drinking friends.

Eventually Prune assisted by dousing everyone in black beer with the biggest squirter ever known to these here parts.
Pussy Wagon and Spank My Schnitzel pay homage to her huge green shaft of thirstiness, and Arquisexual DanceWhore wonders just how damned he's become by joining the hash.
Acting-Religious Advisor Sewage gathered us to call out the concealment of sin, and righteously punished those who hash in sandals. Shame on you, Multiple Entry!
Mmm. Tastes like hostility.
He then led us in prayer and baptized the lovely German-cum-Chileno Alexander, hereforth known as G.P.Ass. Welcome, G.P.Ass!
Blessed are the moist.

The gringos commanded the deliverance of inheritance of crap novelties through the game of White Elephant / Nasty Santa, and there was much rejoicing.


The Hebrew word tum'ah (טָמְאָה) describes a state of ritual impurity. Y'ALL WE ARE AMAZEBALLS AT THIS FUN HEBREW WORD.

Easily the most popular gifts were the red thong underwear OF TEMPTATION AND DAMNATION, the orgasming chicken OF LAUGHTER AND TRIUMPH, and a sweet mechanical dog that rollicked mechanically from the oversight of not having been given knees. 
Stroke My Bono hath never seen anything so glorious.
Virgin Adrian fights all the feelings.
Pussy Wagon and NAMBLA love cheerful toy dogs. Home Schooled loves making eye contact.
K Y Not's transition from ingénue to methlab lord begins today.
Fact: the Biebs has four arms but only one sleeve.

We then enjoyed meats and drinks and rapped terrible songs from the 1990s until the party bus did turn back to Santiago. Many thanks and blessings to Sir Sump Pump and Sewage for the joint sacrifice of hosting and haring! We love you. You guys are the best!