Thursday, 30 January 2014

Mismanagement Committee Positions

Then get you some, child.

Email with the color of your underwear, and your interests in ascending order. These positions are alphabetically arranged.

BEERMEISTER or BEER MISTRESS: These are unquestionably the most important positions in the hash. The Beermeister and Beer Mistress share the weighty responsibility of making sure that the lifeblood of hashing is available at each and every hash event. They keep constant vigilance to find the cheapest spirituous fermenti available, always have coolers in the trunks of their cars, cases of beer in their bodegas, and reliably return the empties between hashes. This job requires a strong back and a weak mind.

GRAND MASTER: The guiding light. The GM is not simply a figure head for the hash; rather, she personifies the hash’s character (or lack thereof). She leads with a dynamic strength that permeates the fabric of the organization. Both directly, and through her mismanagement officers, she gives inspiration, direction, and vision to all. This position ranks only below Beermeister, Hare Raiser, Hash Cash, and Hash Geek in real importance to the hash.

HARE RAISER: This hasher makes sure that there are hares for each hash, and that the start location is known to the Hash Geek well in advance of hash day for publicity purposes. The Hare Raiser IS the hare if she can’t find anyone else to do it.

HASH CASH: The holder of the purse-strings. Someone needs to dash about the start of each hash begging for money. Someone has to keep track of what comes in and what goes out. These generally unappreciated duties fall on the shoulders of the Hash Cash. This trustworthy soul must withstand the whining of the Hares who have over-spent, the whimpering of those who forgot their fees, and the interrogations of those who mistakenly think there should be some sort of accounting for hash funds.

HASH FLASH: The person who captures on film for posterity all embarrassing hash moments. The hash flash must have an acute sense of the absurd to know what to take photos of, and also a small degree of reliability to bring a camera, take pictures, upload, and put only the finest thereof into the sacred photo album of the internet. Should be on at least speaking terms with Hash Geek.

HASH GEEK: This position is a masochist’s wet dream. She struggles with piles of papers, miles of computer wire, and attempts to occasionally produce a Hash Trash to keep the hash members reasonably informed. She is the official representative on the internet, maintaining the Web Site, email lists, Facebook group, MeetUp group, and other such forms nonsense. This Hasher also maintains the hash membership data base. Boring stuff to say the least.

HASH HABERDASHER: This hasher can speak Chilean, and has access to a car. Her responsibilities include procuring and selling items of apparel to the hash.

HASH HUSH: Do you love discipline and getting others moist? Do you enjoy the pebbling of nipples? CAN YOU HANDLE THE SHRIEKS? Apply within to wield a water gun in the hopes of getting other hashers to shut the fuck up.

PECKER INSPECTOR: This hasher was like Mother Theresa and Gandhi and Princess Diana all rolled into one in her past lifetimes. In this most selfless reincarnation, she gets to look at penises to verify the colours of underwear for reticent spies and virgins. Because there's nothing the hash hates more than someone WHO MAKES STUFF UP.

PISS POURER: This hasher is one whose eyes and hands may have betrayed her before, but who keeps fighting, and because of that Herculean effort, can pour beer into cups. Repeatedly.

RELIGIOUS ADVISOR: Keeper of the faith. Enforcer of the scriptures. This is the hasher who has seen the light (but not Bud light) and can taste in her soul the true spirit of Hashing. The religious advisor spreads the word and inspires the zest and zeal of the hash in all participants. Any hasher found transgressing the spirit of hashing is disciplined by the RA. She is the keeper of the sacred Laws of Hashing and comes up with sufficiently plausible lies to cover any serious questions of propriety of actions within the hash.

SONGMEISTER or SONG MISTRESS: This is a hasher with no self respect. She never lacks for a song suitable to the occasion. Her songs are risqué, lewd, and vulgar. The Songmeister or Song Mistress speaks with other hashers and hashes to acquire songs to add to the hash hymnal. The mission is to explore new tunes and new celebrations. To boldly go where no Songmeister has gone before (pardon the split infinitive.)

SUPPLY HASHER: This perfect specimen of a hasher has seen it all before, and can help out during periods of absence of other members of the Santiago Hash House Harriers mismanagement committee. 

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