Hash #139: Ho Ho Ho Christmas Hash

Happy holidays, hashers! Our late December hash in the festive barrio of El Quisco Norte hath passed and we are a little nicer and naughtier for having experienced it.

Prune's brother Virgin Christian monitors his phone, and his sexuality

Hashers arrived in El Quisco via caravan, party bus, three-wise-men-style camels, and on foot. Rumor has it some people even live out there, flush against the cerulean blue Pacific Ocean, and actually commute the 100+ kilometers to Santiago every other weekend. True story. But probably a lie.

We warmed up to Father Abraham, commencing the hash for-possibly-the-first-time-ever EARLY, with Sir Turtlehead, Octopussy, Stain Pants and Virgin Lisa rolling into the serenade of the last stanza. Without sufficiently warming up, they all cramped only minutes into the run, and then they perished from the earth.

Other hashers survived the run by not dying of death. They celebrated life by performing feats of strength, and magical mind-blowing. Below is a demonstration of a camera, or something, suspended before K Y Not? and behold it is WITHOUT STRINGS and WITHOUT MIRRORS.  

IT IS A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE

Rejoice!

But anyway, the run was LOVELY.

After the glorious beer check, we returned to the All-Dogs-Go-To-Heaven ranch and attempted to make the most perfect and Platonic shape our human brains can comprehend, the circle.

Prune and Stroke My Bono prepare their dancing legs.

Visiting-cum-returned hasher Sewage introduced us to multiple implements of phallic shame like how they do in Papua New Guinea.

The vacuous penis and testicle vessel giveth to you, but in a BAD TOUCH way. 

Sir Acting Semen selflessly takes unto himself the first SHHH imbibing of a bed pan coveted and then stolen from a venereal disease clinic in Manila.

So many questions about the successful marketing of the eye mask with bonus phallus, so little time.

REJOICE

The circle was unruly and the many were squirteth upon by Octopussy in her failed attempts to keep order.

This is possibly the best picture taken of her ever. And, y'all, No Country for Old Men looks so groovy in this picture. It's like war and peace have become drinking friends.

Eventually Prune assisted by dousing everyone in black beer with the biggest squirter ever known to these here parts.

Pussy Wagon and Spank My Schnitzel pay homage to her huge green shaft of thirstiness, and Arquisexual DanceWhore wonders just how damned he's become by joining the hash.

Acting-Religious Advisor Sewage gathered us to call out the concealment of sin, and righteously punished those who hash in sandals. Shame on you, Multiple Entry!

Mmm. Tastes like hostility.

He then led us in prayer and baptized the lovely German-cum-Chileno Alexander, hereforth known as G.P.Ass. Welcome, G.P.Ass!

Blessed are the moist.

The gringos commanded the deliverance of inheritance of crap novelties through the game of White Elephant / Nasty Santa, and there was much rejoicing.

REJOICE

The Hebrew word tum'ah (טָמְאָה) describes a state of ritual impurity. Y'ALL WE ARE AMAZEBALLS AT THIS FUN HEBREW WORD.

REJOICE

Easily the most popular gifts were the red thong underwear OF TEMPTATION AND DAMNATION, the orgasming chicken OF LAUGHTER AND TRIUMPH, and a sweet mechanical dog that rollicked mechanically from the oversight of not having been given knees. 

Stroke My Bono hath never seen anything so glorious.

Virgin Adrian fights all the feelings.

Pussy Wagon and NAMBLA love cheerful toy dogs. Home Schooled loves making eye contact.

K Y Not's transition from ingénue to methlab lord begins today.

Fact: the Biebs has four arms but only one sleeve.

We then enjoyed meats and drinks and rapped terrible songs from the 1990s until the party bus did turn back to Santiago. Many thanks and blessings to Sir Sump Pump and Sewage for the joint sacrifice of hosting and haring! We love you. You guys are the best!

REJOICE

Hash #138 - The Downtown Again Hash

Last weekend it was back down to the Santa Isabel neighborhood for a hash at the newly named Jesus Comes Twice's apartment. The walk/run was pleasant but largely uneventful. However, there are some opportunities that not even the most serious of runners can resist stopping for...

As is tradition in the Santiago hash, the trail was declared "shitty" at the subsequent circle, and hares Reverse Cowgirl and Splooge Pants (or something like that...can never remember) were made to take a down down.

In a shockingly well-behaved circle, we were very productive and accomplished a number of things. We initiated some virgins...

...we said goodbye to and knighted Sir Cumming Up for Air...

...and apparently it was important that he also sit on a block of ice...

...and we named 3 new official hashers! The host, and woman who is attracted to men that look like Jesus, Jesus Comes Twice.

The man who loves to help minors learn to play with little white balls, NAMBLA (North American Man/Boy Love Association), although I'd like to propose that we consider changing this name to SAMBLA, since we are in South America.

And of course, the nature lover, Bushy Pussy.

Other than that it was basically the normal shit show with lots of drinking and obnoxiously loud laughter.

Looking forward to the next hash...Christmas in El Quisco!

Happy Trails

We gathered at "Pussy Wagon's Workshop" (which actually, as you will see,  was just a nice crib in tree-filled Provi) for a Pre-American-thanksgiving/yep, it's turning in to summer here in Chile disruption of the peace.  We warmed up in typical "look at us!" fashion, but this time in front of the building, just out on the street, like the attention-whores hashers are.

It took all of 2 minutes before the front-running bearded bastards had the pack following them into oblivion far away fom the trail.  (Everyone always laughs during the explanation when we say "and flour looks like this", but obviously Crack My Arse needs a refresher).  

Eventually, they would realize the errors of their ways and root for peace on the street corner.  I sure wish Veni VD Vici would have brought his giant, white, creepy van that goes along with that new mustache--- a ride AND candy... That would've been the best.

Over the bridge....

and by the Pope....

to a BEER STOP we go!!! Well, some of us... And some of us ignored all markings and ran at warp speed straight home.  The silver lining? Improper hash behavior by some led to extremely proper hash behavior by others as we finished ALL THE BEER with HALF THE PEOPLE. Sir Turtlehead also found cheesecake making his beer stop experience all the more delectable as he inhaled it sans fork.  Needless to say, the last leg of the trail was more of a meander than a run.

Back at Pussywagon's pad, we took in some lovely views of the Andes and the "Boner-Building" as we ate our weight in knock-off Cheetos and eventually had a circle.

Americans drinking... Giving our thanks for beer... As Acting Semen doles out a boisterous "f£€# you" in response to that God Save the Queen crap.

It was the farewell hash for Billy Scroat Gruff, Texas BJ Assacre and  yours truly, Texas Hornstar.  we adorned our hash crowns with "Frat boy", "golf pro", and "pretty fly for a white guy" styles respectively and prayed that the many down downs of black beer (delicious in non-chugging situations) would remain in our bellies and that we would remain in the upright position.  Highlights of the circle would include the most beautiful rendition of "Dough the stuff that buys my beer" since the Von Trapp family stuck it to those damn Nazis and a "My name is Jack" that echoed for ages.  

Then it was time for Sabrina to share her dirty secrets and join the hash family officially. Some things belong OFF the Internet.   Welcome to the shit-show Grassy Ass.  

We led the crew in one last Swing Low... Also one for the books.  There is so much happiness in this picture and at the same time so much confusion.  Pretty much sums up the entirety of my hash experiences, and I'm so glad to have met every last one of you weirdos.

Happy... Scratch that... Shitty Trails my friends.  Shitty Trails.

Next Hash #137 - Saturday 23rd November

NAME: #137  - Circle the Wagons hash

 DATE: Saturday 23^rd November

 HOST: Pussy Wagon 

 Address:  Antonio Bellet 240, Providencia

 HARES: Texas hornstar and bj assacre!

 Start Time:   16:00 SHARP, be there at 15:45  

 Metro: Manuel Montt or Pedro De Valdivia

 BBQ:    P.W. is arranging for there to be a BBQ available so please in the normal way we remind everyone who wants to stay on and party after the Hash and Circle to bring with them some meat/salad/wine etc….and join in the fun.  If you want to join in with steak and wine – better not bring just coke and crisps!!!!!!!!

(sure, it is near thanksgiving but I would not recommend bringing along any turkey that is not in the shape of a burger as the “Wagon Workshop” apparently only sports a small grill)

 PRICE:  3000 pesos.