Monday, 9 December 2013

Hash #138 - The Downtown Again Hash

Last weekend it was back down to the Santa Isabel neighborhood for a hash at the newly named Jesus Comes Twice's apartment. The walk/run was pleasant but largely uneventful. However, there are some opportunities that not even the most serious of runners can resist stopping for...

As is tradition in the Santiago hash, the trail was declared "shitty" at the subsequent circle, and hares Reverse Cowgirl and Splooge Pants (or something like that...can never remember) were made to take a down down.

In a shockingly well-behaved circle, we were very productive and accomplished a number of things. We initiated some virgins...

...we said goodbye to and knighted Sir Cumming Up for Air...

...and apparently it was important that he also sit on a block of ice...

...and we named 3 new official hashers! The host, and woman who is attracted to men that look like Jesus, Jesus Comes Twice.

The man who loves to help minors learn to play with little white balls, NAMBLA (North American Man/Boy Love Association), although I'd like to propose that we consider changing this name to SAMBLA, since we are in South America.

And of course, the nature lover, Bushy Pussy.

Other than that it was basically the normal shit show with lots of drinking and obnoxiously loud laughter.

Looking forward to the next hash...Christmas in El Quisco!

Thursday, 28 November 2013

Happy Trails

We gathered at "Pussy Wagon's Workshop" (which actually, as you will see,  was just a nice crib in tree-filled Provi) for a Pre-American-thanksgiving/yep, it's turning in to summer here in Chile disruption of the peace.  We warmed up in typical "look at us!" fashion, but this time in front of the building, just out on the street, like the attention-whores hashers are.

It took all of 2 minutes before the front-running bearded bastards had the pack following them into oblivion far away fom the trail.  (Everyone always laughs during the explanation when we say "and flour looks like this", but obviously Crack My Arse needs a refresher).  

Eventually, they would realize the errors of their ways and root for peace on the street corner.  I sure wish Veni VD Vici would have brought his giant, white, creepy van that goes along with that new mustache--- a ride AND candy... That would've been the best.

Over the bridge....

and by the Pope....

to a BEER STOP we go!!! Well, some of us... And some of us ignored all markings and ran at warp speed straight home.  The silver lining? Improper hash behavior by some led to extremely proper hash behavior by others as we finished ALL THE BEER with HALF THE PEOPLE. Sir Turtlehead also found cheesecake making his beer stop experience all the more delectable as he inhaled it sans fork.  Needless to say, the last leg of the trail was more of a meander than a run.

Back at Pussywagon's pad, we took in some lovely views of the Andes and the "Boner-Building" as we ate our weight in knock-off Cheetos and eventually had a circle.

Americans drinking... Giving our thanks for beer... As Acting Semen doles out a boisterous "f£€# you" in response to that God Save the Queen crap.

It was the farewell hash for Billy Scroat Gruff, Texas BJ Assacre and  yours truly, Texas Hornstar.  we adorned our hash crowns with "Frat boy", "golf pro", and "pretty fly for a white guy" styles respectively and prayed that the many down downs of black beer (delicious in non-chugging situations) would remain in our bellies and that we would remain in the upright position.  Highlights of the circle would include the most beautiful rendition of "Dough the stuff that buys my beer" since the Von Trapp family stuck it to those damn Nazis and a "My name is Jack" that echoed for ages.  

Then it was time for Sabrina to share her dirty secrets and join the hash family officially. Some things belong OFF the Internet.   Welcome to the shit-show Grassy Ass.  

We led the crew in one last Swing Low... Also one for the books.  There is so much happiness in this picture and at the same time so much confusion.  Pretty much sums up the entirety of my hash experiences, and I'm so glad to have met every last one of you weirdos.

Happy... Scratch that... Shitty Trails my friends.  Shitty Trails.

Thursday, 21 November 2013

Next Hash #137 - Saturday 23rd November

NAME: #137  - Circle the Wagons hash
 DATE: Saturday 23rd November
 HOST: Pussy Wagon 
 Address:  Antonio Bellet 240, Providencia
 HARES: Texas hornstar and bj assacre!
 Start Time:   16:00 SHARP, be there at 15:45  
 Metro: Manuel Montt or Pedro De Valdivia
 BBQ:    P.W. is arranging for there to be a BBQ available so please in the normal way we remind everyone who wants to stay on and party after the Hash and Circle to bring with them some meat/salad/wine etc….and join in the fun.  If you want to join in with steak and wine – better not bring just coke and crisps!!!!!!!!
(sure, it is near thanksgiving but I would not recommend bringing along any turkey that is not in the shape of a burger as the “Wagon Workshop” apparently only sports a small grill)
 PRICE:  3000 pesos.

Monday, 28 October 2013

Hash #135 - Halloween Hash

Saturday we had a very special Hash. We headed downtown to Alex & Drinking Lessons' gaff to have our Halloween Hash the right way: with costumes!

People showed up in their funny clothes right on time (no Chilean punctuality) and listened carefully to the instructions given by the Hares for this spooky run, Just Marissa and Veni V.D. Vici.

After the warm up, the Hashers left the cool lobby of the building and marched under the burning sun of Santiago at 4 PM. Wearing costumes didn't seem like a good idea after a while, but we sure made a lot of santiaguinos have a laugh (and sexually aroused with our She Devil and the Topless Hasher).

tales of the city

If the sun or the length of the trail weren't enough to pissed the Hashers off, the absence of a Beer Stop was unforgivable. Still everyone was down to do the Zombie Walk crossing the Mapocho river and getting down "Thriller" style in front of la Moneda, with a small incident with the local authorities.

"must find beer....."

There was no excuse for the Hares. Nobody cared it was their first time haring or that, impossible as it sounds, most flour marks were swept off, which lead to anger and confusion!  They payed with down downs for their shitty trail.

After all this the circle was glad to baptise, with the usual flour and beer tradition, to a new Hasher we now embrace as family. She used to be know as Just Terez, but now she has a new name to feel proud about: "Reverse Cowgirl".

is that a 'jumbo' shower cap?

The circle was dismissed and Hashers proceeded as they know best, drinking, cursing and just being awesome. But celebration didn't end there. Most people ended at yet another Halloween party, with even fancier costumes and already tipsy. Happy Halloween!!!!
those hashers love their beer!

Sunday, 13 October 2013

Don't Mess with Texas hash

Average firefighter salary in Texas: $42000
Muchas thanks to our Texas delegate Texas Horn Star, Texas BJ Assacre, Octopussy and Stain Pants for an outstanding hash in Provi this weekend, and for showing us that the only thing bigger than Texas is Texas pride. Every other song was Texas-related, and half of our harey-hosts have Texas in their names. Y'all are... compensating for something. Probably penis size, possibly poor state governance. We appreciate your enthusiasm.

Possibly due to Chile's epic ball-dropping on Friday night (3-0 against Colombia in the first half to a tie 84 minutes in - chuta, Chile, manten!), everyone was absurdly on time, and the hash began with order, aplomb, and dignity. After several rounds of Texas trivia (Q: "What is the state dish?" A: "Chili."), the kennel was educated in flour aesthetics,
Texas Horn Star lists the top five Texas cities by equine population
and we then left to amble on yonder to Northern Provi.

The Texas capitol dome is taller than its national counterpart by nearly 15 feet, and is the largest state capitol in the United States.

Not to be a fussy Frances, but check out the number of return hashers not adorned in hasher raiment nor costumes. I'm looking at you, Texas Horn Star, Sabrina-NoName, Marissa-NoName, Megan-NoName, Veni V.D. Vici, and Pussy Wagon. Y'all, HALLOWEEN is next hash. Take it up a notch.

The trail was basically amazing. Sincerely. The creativity of Texans goes a long way to compensate for their otherwise obnoxious behaviors, drinking ability, and blog posting prowess.

On this walkin'-in-tall-cotton trail, there were interactive tasks like two-stepping across the chocolate milk river of Mapucho,

The world's first rodeo was in Pecos, Texas on July 4, 1883.
boot scooting within spitting distance of  the Sculpture Gardens,
In the 1860s, longhorn cattle outnumbered Texan residents by a ratio of 9 to 1.

sacrificial cowboying,
Q: Texas farmes and ranches cover what percentage of the state's total land area? A: nearly 80 percent of Texas (132 million acres) is covered in farms and ranches. Nearly all of that was on fire in 2011.

heckling other states for not being nearly so badass,
From January 2000 to April 2013, nonfarm payroll grew an anemic 2.6 percent in California compared to Texas’ 19.7 percent. U.S. job growth over that time was 3.6 percent.

and counting the Howdys chalked across north Provi as the Texan hares psyched us out about climbing up Cerro San Cristobal.
Along with Austin, Houston's cocktail culture is nationally recognized as being on the forefront of creative tippling.

Well done, TexasHS and TexasBJA!
Q: What famous phase resulted from the Battle of San Jacinto and is still used in political discussions today? A: "Come and take it."

While the front running bastards and thirsty runners waited for the walkers to return, the hashers enjoyed the pool at Octo's and Stain Pants's building, asked to borrow inappropriate things like razors, and debated whether the Prada installation in Marfa, Texas should be considered art or advertisement.

The State fruit of Texas is the ruby red grapefruit.

Tragically, there were no shots taken of how foxxy Sabrina-NoName and Veni V.D. Vici really are almost nude.

We then circled up, almost a quarter of the group barefoot, and substitutes Grand Master Moon Job and Religious Advisor Sir Acting Semen did an admirable job educating and punishing the group. The trail was decided to have been a negative 857, easily the most excellent trail of 2013, and we sang Deep in the Heart of Texas in lusty thanks:

The stars at night,
Are big and bright,
Deep in the heart of Texas,
The prairie sky
Is wide and high,
Deep in the heart of Texas.
The sage in bloom
Is like perfume,
Deep in the heart of Texas,
Reminds me of,
The one I love,
Deep in the heart of Texas.
The coyotes wail,
Along the trail,
Deep in the heart of Texas,
The rabbits rush,
Around the brush,
Deep in the heart of Texas.
The cowboys cry,
Deep in the heart of Texas,
The dogies bawl,
And bawl and bawl,
Deep in the heart of Texas.

We then punished every single walker for failing to two-step across the river in full view of the sweaty runners. Virgin Suzanne and Oliver-NoName, two University of Texas at Austin graduates, participated, and even remembered to do that hand gesture signifying your-Italian-wife-is-cuckolding-you that I always seem to forget, with The Eyes of Texas:

The eyes of Texas are upon you
All the live long days
The eyes of Texas are upon you
And you cannot get away
Do not think you can escape them
From night till early in the morn
The eyes of Texas are upon you
Till Gabriel blows his horn

In January 2005, President Bush's "Hook 'em, 'horns" salute (pictured above) during a parade got lost in translation in Norway, where shocked people interpreted his hand gesture as a salute to Satan.
but Texas Horn Star went to a rival University with a much longer school song and cut the song short. In case you missed it the first time, here it is again:

The eyes of Texas are upon you
All the live long days
The eyes of Texas are upon you
And you cannot get away
Do not think you can escape them
From night till early in the morn
The eyes of Texas are upon you
Till Gabriel blows his horn

 We entertained sins from the run, where one of the hares was pulled in. Fortunately for them, the State motto is Friendship: meaning when one Texan drinks, they all drink.
The "Six Flags of Texas" that have inspired the amusement park include Mexico, Spain, France, Republic of Texas, Confederacy, and the United States of America.
The next Texan-themed down-down was known to only one other hasher, Virgin-Sarah, so here it is in its entirely for y'all's general edification:

You say you're not from Texas
Man as if I couldn't tell
You think you pull your boots on right
And wear your hat so well

So pardon me my laughter
'Cause I sure do understand
Even Moses got excited
When he saw the promised land

That's right you're not from Texas
That's right you're not from Texas
That's right you're not from Texas
But Texas wants you anyway

See I was born and raised in Texas
And it means so much to me
Though my girl comes from down in Georgia
We were up in Tennessee

And as we were driving down the highway
She asked me baby what's so great
How come you're always going on
About your Lone Star State

I said that's right you're not from Texas
That's right you're not from Texas
That's right you're not from Texas
But Texas wants you anyway

Oh the road it looked so lovely
As she stood there on the side
And she grew smaller in my mirror
As I watched her wave goodbye

Those boys from Carolina
They sure enough could sing
But when they came on down to Texas
We all showed them how to swing

Now David's on the radio
And old Champ's still on the guitar
And Uncle Walt he's home with Heidi
Hiding in her loving arms

That's right you're not from Texas
That's right you're not from Texas
That's right you're not from Texas
But Texas wants you anyway

They're OK in Oklahoma
Up in Arkansas they're fair
But those old folks in Missouri
They don't even know you're there

But at a dance hall down in Texas
That's the finest place to be
The women they all look beautiful
And their men will buy your beer for free

And they'll say that's right you're not from Texas
That's right you're not from Texas
That's right you're not from Texas
But Texas wants you anyway

So won't you let me help you Mister
Just pull your hat down the way I do
And buy your pants just a little longer
And next time somebody laughs at you

You just tell 'em you're not from Texas
That's right you're not from Texas
That's right you're not from Texas
But Texas wants you anyway
Before the circle ended, Sir Acting Semen welcomed two newly minted hashers into our kennel. Names suggestions centered on geographic salience and leaving Sir Lady Bug's house at 6am the previous morning.

The first word spoken from the moon was "Houston."

 Welcome y'all, Scary Poppins Thunder Down Under and Strip, Minor! Texans NoName-Terez and NoName Oliver have feelings about what has happened here. 

Of course, it wouldn't be a proper hash if something hadn't gone terribly wrong, like the fire alarms in the 15 story building sounding and bringing out the sexy, sexy, sexy bomberos, which was terribly allllright.

In 2011, ten percent of all of the trees in Texas died due to drought. This does not include the 31,000 fires that ravaged the state that year, burning down 4,000,000 acres of land.

Octopussy attempted to distribute the last of the hash beers to the firemen, and then invited the last ten or so hashers upstairs where Oliver-NoName and Marissa-NoName left footprints on the wall in hugely ineffective attempts at yoga, and the last of their non-bourbon alcohol supply was depleted, much like all of the water from Texas herself.

In Texas, it is considered fucking impolite to leave footprints on the walls of your host's home.

Around 10pm fifteen or so hashers recovened at Flannery's to watch Stroke My Bono excel at Bon Jovi's "Dead or Alive" and to look longingly forward to the next time Team Texas unites. 

For the Aggies:

Some may boast of prowess bold
Of the school they think so grand
But there's a spirit can ne'er be told
It's the Spirit of Aggieland.
We are the Aggies - the Aggies are we
True to each other as Aggies can be
We've got to FIGHT boys
We've got to fight!
We've got to fight for Maroon and White
After they've boosted all the rest
They will come and join the best
For we are the Aggies - the Aggies are we
We're from Texas A.M.C.
(A yell sequence follows; traditionally deleted at Muster)
Fight! Fight! Fight-fight-fight!
Fight! Maroon! White-White-White!
Texas! Texas! A-M-C!
Gig 'em, Aggies, 1-2-3
Farmers fight! Farmers fight!
Fight! Fight!
Farmers, farmers fight!
A! Whoop!

For everyone (you're welcome):

Texas, Our Texas! all hail the mighty State!
Texas, Our Texas! so wonderful so great!
Boldest and grandest, withstanding ev'ry test
O Empire wide and glorious, you stand supremely blest.
Texas, O Texas! your freeborn single star,
Sends out its radiance to nations near and far,
Emblem of Freedom! it set our hearts aglow,
With thoughts of San Jacinto and glorious Alamo.
Texas, dear Texas! from tyrant grip now free,
Shines forth in splendor, your star of destiny!
Mother of heroes, we come your children true,
Proclaiming our allegiance, our faith, our love for you.
God bless you Texas! And keep you brave and strong,
That you may grow in power and worth, throughout the ages long.
God bless you Texas! And keep you brave and strong,
That you may grow in power and worth, throughout the ages long.