Hash 140: Texas Pool Party Massacre

Early January brought us back to the tree-lined streets of northern Providencia for our first hash of the year. Hares No Cuntry for Old Men and Multiple Entry demonstrated the finer points of flour aesthetics. As you probably recall, the English word for "flour" is originally a variant of the word "flower." Both derive from the French word for fleur, which had the literal meaning "blossom," and a figurative meaning "the finest." Also, flour is so very beautiful. 

Virgin Cormac's pose summons all the goodwill of Vanilla Ice.

 We warmed up to Button Factory, led by hosts Octopussy and Stained Pants.

Circle the nipples of the air ever more gently, my friends. Do it slowly.

 And then we were off! There were multiple feats of strength, none of which were captured. Every runner save Stain Pants skipped the initial limbo test and was punished soundly afterwards.

By the way, we need a new Hash Flash. Someone please volunteer for this prestigious post.

Have you seen my Uncle Fester impression? It's legit.

Speaking of stuff the runners missed: They ran by the most perfect, humanity-redeeming painting of Michael Jackson! Viewable only as you head East, the walkers basked in its glory.

Check out the painted gate to the left of the green wall. 

"I just wish I could understand my father."

I just wish I could understand my father.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/m/michael_jackson.html#3aPgH83DGVKzLDKH.99

 It's Michael Jackson!

Young Michael Jackson, sure, but likely his least controversial. We few who love MJ even post-Presley marriage are... rare. The slats facing west are uniquely painted to render MJ in all his glory. As you get closer, the image distorts.

"You're a vegetable!"

God bless you, weirdo homeowners of El Cerro 1973.

The runners had the excellent Sir Ladybug with them, so they took photographic evidence of their trotar-ing through the gross smoke that rolled in from the forests of the Valparaiso region. Remember it? It blanketed the city around 2:30pm, just in time to get in all our lungs.

Have you met Crack My Ass's invisible overweight girlfriend? She's not real.

"The poisonous fog is slow-acting!," celebrate the runners.

That man has the sekksiest calves.

After the run, in which some of the walkers stopped for conos of shame from McDonalds, we returned to Edificio Parque Constanero, home to the most annoying neighbors who complain about parties at 6pm in the afternoon, for circle time.

Couch Stain rubs Bi-Weekly Deposit's belly for luck. Octopussy makes unfortunate fashion choices.

 Sump Pump welcomed the virgins, including Pussy Wagon's sister Paula, and invited them into the hash family.

Just remember kids, always masturbate with your RIGHT hand. Keep your left hand pure for the drinking.

 Then our abusive neighbors started harassing the conserjes and we were asked to move sides of the building. The circle continued, and once again, Sewage foisted on us the silver bedpan of hash shame, for one lucky hasher to drink or wear, as fitting her crime. Octopussy was selected for failing to keep order in the circle.

Sewage struts the cat walk of the inner circle as if he were born to it.

The circle continued and many sins were punished. As there were no namings, we traded insults and beery goodness. Also, three people actually got in the pool.

Strip, Minor! always keeps a brave face when administering beer.

 For some unrecalled grievance, one Chilean was identified for a down down. Of course, no one can drink alone. So when one Chilean drinks, they all drink!

And they're off, ladies and gentlemen! Cuban Nipple Crisis is off to an early lead, but Sir Turtle Head, Prune, Pussy Wagon, and Multiple Entry are right on his tail! Bi-Weekly Deposit appears to be spitting into his cup, for an even larger thirst to quench! The rarely-enjoyed Cunning Linguist and Mariachi Masturbator close their eyes and dig down deep for the home stretch! Strip, Minor can't handle the pressure!

 The circle was declared fucked, and then we moved to the quincho space for grilling. Reverse Cowgirl brought a hula hoop, which was a huge hash hit.

Last to Cum and Just-Mario think hula-hoops are A-okay!

Awkward poses make the night go by more slowly

 The party then retreated to Flannery's for karaoke fun times and bar dancing.

Mutual grooming is THE BEST

Fabulous hash, chicos!

Hash #139: Ho Ho Ho Christmas Hash

Happy holidays, hashers! Our late December hash in the festive barrio of El Quisco Norte hath passed and we are a little nicer and naughtier for having experienced it.

Prune's brother Virgin Christian monitors his phone, and his sexuality

Hashers arrived in El Quisco via caravan, party bus, three-wise-men-style camels, and on foot. Rumor has it some people even live out there, flush against the cerulean blue Pacific Ocean, and actually commute the 100+ kilometers to Santiago every other weekend. True story. But probably a lie.

We warmed up to Father Abraham, commencing the hash for-possibly-the-first-time-ever EARLY, with Sir Turtlehead, Octopussy, Stain Pants and Virgin Lisa rolling into the serenade of the last stanza. Without sufficiently warming up, they all cramped only minutes into the run, and then they perished from the earth.

Other hashers survived the run by not dying of death. They celebrated life by performing feats of strength, and magical mind-blowing. Below is a demonstration of a camera, or something, suspended before K Y Not? and behold it is WITHOUT STRINGS and WITHOUT MIRRORS.  

IT IS A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE

Rejoice!

But anyway, the run was LOVELY.

After the glorious beer check, we returned to the All-Dogs-Go-To-Heaven ranch and attempted to make the most perfect and Platonic shape our human brains can comprehend, the circle.

Prune and Stroke My Bono prepare their dancing legs.

Visiting-cum-returned hasher Sewage introduced us to multiple implements of phallic shame like how they do in Papua New Guinea.

The vacuous penis and testicle vessel giveth to you, but in a BAD TOUCH way. 

Sir Acting Semen selflessly takes unto himself the first SHHH imbibing of a bed pan coveted and then stolen from a venereal disease clinic in Manila.

So many questions about the successful marketing of the eye mask with bonus phallus, so little time.

REJOICE

The circle was unruly and the many were squirteth upon by Octopussy in her failed attempts to keep order.

This is possibly the best picture taken of her ever. And, y'all, No Country for Old Men looks so groovy in this picture. It's like war and peace have become drinking friends.

Eventually Prune assisted by dousing everyone in black beer with the biggest squirter ever known to these here parts.

Pussy Wagon and Spank My Schnitzel pay homage to her huge green shaft of thirstiness, and Arquisexual DanceWhore wonders just how damned he's become by joining the hash.

Acting-Religious Advisor Sewage gathered us to call out the concealment of sin, and righteously punished those who hash in sandals. Shame on you, Multiple Entry!

Mmm. Tastes like hostility.

He then led us in prayer and baptized the lovely German-cum-Chileno Alexander, hereforth known as G.P.Ass. Welcome, G.P.Ass!

Blessed are the moist.

The gringos commanded the deliverance of inheritance of crap novelties through the game of White Elephant / Nasty Santa, and there was much rejoicing.

REJOICE

The Hebrew word tum'ah (טָמְאָה) describes a state of ritual impurity. Y'ALL WE ARE AMAZEBALLS AT THIS FUN HEBREW WORD.

REJOICE

Easily the most popular gifts were the red thong underwear OF TEMPTATION AND DAMNATION, the orgasming chicken OF LAUGHTER AND TRIUMPH, and a sweet mechanical dog that rollicked mechanically from the oversight of not having been given knees. 

Stroke My Bono hath never seen anything so glorious.

Virgin Adrian fights all the feelings.

Pussy Wagon and NAMBLA love cheerful toy dogs. Home Schooled loves making eye contact.

K Y Not's transition from ingénue to methlab lord begins today.

Fact: the Biebs has four arms but only one sleeve.

We then enjoyed meats and drinks and rapped terrible songs from the 1990s until the party bus did turn back to Santiago. Many thanks and blessings to Sir Sump Pump and Sewage for the joint sacrifice of hosting and haring! We love you. You guys are the best!

REJOICE